DearDiary · Rantings

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before…

I’ve always had preconceived notion about love, specifically about falling in love. I’ve always wondered how it would feel like. Would it live up to the hype that everyone seems to stereotype it as? Is it the exact opposite of everything you thought it’ll ever be? I guess I won’t be able to answer that because it just hasn’t happened yet, for me that is…

I think I came thisclose to actually falling in love once. I just knew I liked him. Alot. Like, I always stare at him in class and I always seem to know where he is or whenever he enters the room. I seem to have this “radar” whenever he’s close. I don’t know. It might have been puppy love. I mean I was like 11 or 12 at that time. Too young? I think so too… but fast forward 12 years later, I look back and think to myself “I really liked that guy.” Sure, he doesn’t know I like him because I never really made a move. I mean, what 12 year old girl will make a move on her crush who’s basically every 12 years old girl’s dream guy? You think I’m exaggerating but I am not. Cliché, I know, but I liked him. For three years. I’ve liked him for that long and I can even count with two hands the times we actually communicated.

Then there’s my high school crush. He’s basically like my elementary crush but this time I actually talk to him. Like alot. I seem to have this ‘ideal guy’ image in my head and he ticks all the boxes. He’s nice, sweet, smart, everything a girl wants her guy to be. But I noticed that there’s this one thing I hate about those type of guys, you can’t be the top priority. Or maybe you’re just not good enough to prioritize. Either way, he broke my heart just the same. Maybe because ‘we’ never really happened and I was okay with that but then he started having this thing with another girl. Worst part? She’s a friend of mine. A friend whom I confided with, especially about him. I guess I built him up a little too much that she couldn’t help but like him too. I can’t blame her though. He’s really nice and did I say he’s like, every girl’s nerdy dream boy? Yeah. I guess I did…

Then here comes another batch of ‘heartaches’ by two more guys. Basically, when nerdy guy started likinf my friend, I learned to move one. I mean, what else am I going to do? Pine for someone who clearly didn’t like me enough and chose to be all lovey dovey with my friend after a year or something. Still not bitter here, it was just what I thought before. Anyways, I saw this guy who looked alot like my elementary crush–minus the uber smart part. I know, that was mean but he really wasn’t known for his smarts. I guess I just see alot of elementary crush in him that the nostalgia and feelings of seeing my previous crush was taking its toll on me. Big time.

And then there’s my college years… Yep, by this time, I am a pro at hiding my feelings. I haven’t had a crush my first year in college. I guess I was too busy creating a whole different world through roleplaying that I actually forgot how to live my own life, the real one. It was a wake up call though. But liking this guy? It was a different story. Once again, I was drawn by the fact that he’s basically my ideal guy. He’s smart, nice, cute… I just wasn’t able to really get to know him because we’re basically from two different departments. We’ll get to that once I actually break down everything that happened between me and these guys.

And finally, this guy who basically threw everything I thought I liked about a guy out the window. The guy who, I’m quite sure, am not in love with, but in a great danger of doing so. He’s the opposite of who I thought I would like in a guy and weirdly enough, I don’t mind it. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being desperate but we’ll see as this series progresses.

By the way, there’s NO WAY that I am naming any of these people. My friends would know right away and all of you guys are free to have assumptions but I am not confirming, nor denying anything in writing, or in any other form. I just thought I would get everything out of my chest in the best way that I know I can: writing.

Coming up!! My long, but incredibly scarce interaction with RAL. Yep, we’re calling him that.

‘Til next time!

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